we will not sing at your damn parade

i'm a dumbass. i try to be friends with him, i try so hard, and then I say stupid things all the time like "i miss you". last time i talked to him he seemed too depressed to want to talk to me. this time? "Actually, i don't really miss you, and I'm doing really well. Cindy says I should be clear with you about that." (cindy - friend of his I know/we lived with this summer.)

this was... sunday night? cue me crying in a bathroom stall. that's probably the harshest thing he's ever said to me; he's not like that at all. so that's upset me a lot. i'm getting better at dealing with it, especially since his other ex, who i've met but don't know well (we're friends on facebook) decided to console me via facebook message. so lately, that is depressing me, and i'm busy having an existential crisis about The Meaning of Life and What I Should Be Doing with Mine. And what happens after death. wtf brain. i'm having trouble shutting it off. i can't tell if i'm depressed from the breakup still, or if i did the too-dependent-on-the-boy thing again and that's why i feel like my life has no meaning. I'm not moping around constantly though... i'm busy, i do fun stuff, etc. but when i have time to think i get pretty sad. arghhh.

i need a stable social life, and i think i'd be so much better off.

i've been doing relatively okay - especially when i'm busy. better than i thought i would be. but not being social because nobody wants to hang out with me, and having too much time to think makes me feel rotten. and i still have no idea how i feel about ben. i still love him and miss him, but i feel the same way about smoking. i might be alright now, but whenever he starts dating someone else... gah. i want to be together with him at some point in life, but i can't really sit here and wish that, it's unrealistic. but i don't think he's mad at me anymore, just sad. and i'm sad too, but it still doesn't feel right for me to say i'll forgo smoking again and run back... but i don't want to totally let go.

this sounds sadder than things are going, but when i get lonely i get sad pretty fast these days.

don't you hate when the can-i-smoke-weed or not argument turns into the dating/love/relationship approach philosophy discussion, and you seem to glean that at some point, you'll make a decision and lose this person forever?

he'll be home tomorrow and we'll talk more, but christ, love is hard. i love him so much, and yet something is going to go wrong somewhere... i feel like i've been shown the most beautiful love and it's my fate to lose it and regret it forever.

ok, so i might not have a job, and i'm still sick, but going back to school and not living in this nice place and not living with ben is going to SUCK I WILL NOT BE USED TO IT. I'm going to have to eat crappy food again in the fall. major stomach sadness. anyway for fourth of july i talked to cindy and went grocery shopping with her and then played plants vs zombies for a long time. the boy left this afternoon to go to some family reunion in lake tahoe, and he'll be gone a week, and I am going to turn into one of those people candice hates going BLUH BLUH I MISS HIM (Well, I'll try to keep it to myself) when it's been like three days. and my dad might finally be getting the hint that the tiny amount of money trickled to me is not enough to live on (since i cannot find a job). so yeah that's my fourth of july.

oh oh wait LJ is for bitching right? well the city of providence dug up the road to give us some new water pipes, right? too bad they FUCKED UP and it BACKED UP and we tried to get it fixed just to learn it's in the road, so now we have to wait until tuesday to get it fixed and be careful when we use water, and guess who is going to clean the floor that had raw sewage poopy water on it!? I still have to find a bucket, but it's been a couple days and it's starting to smell, so that floor gotta be scrubbed. mmmm. there wasn't any actual shit on the floor, don't worry, just that water. we are not that gross to leave that there. oh wait i lied i think there are like streaks of shit in the bathtub on the first floor so I am sorry my friends that live down there, I will scrub the floor but I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT. I am full of run-on thoughts today! whee! I started writing about my creepy dreams, and it's actually going well!

sharing a full bed is much much much better than sharing a twin. however i still suck at it.

I am awake due to a random ache in my leg that will not go away! hurrah. i still appear to have mono. I was doing much better for a time, then my tonsils swelled up again (swole? hehe) and I'm still sleeping all the time. But it's been over a month. Like six weeks now. :( AND my stupid period was late, probably because I'm sick, causing me to freak out and spend money on pregnancy tests which were thankfully negative. of course now that I HAVE my period the cramps are awful. The worst part is I've lost count of the jobs I've applied to for the summer, and none have worked out yet.

Other than that, I'm very happy living in our apartment/townhouse. It's REALLY nice - freshly remodeled. People Ben lived with at school are sharing with us, and one girl describes the place as "I would not expect to live somewhere as nice as this after I graduate". So yeah. I just feel pretty shitty about the fact that Ben is pretty much supporting me entirely. Starting Monday I started getting $55/week from Dad, but that's just a dent in the food money. Yeah my dad let me live here, but he made it clear he wasn't paying any of my rent money. (which sort of sucks, but we are sharing a room, so that helps) I hope to pay him back eventually of course, at least partially. But a job this summer would be nice.

However, I do get to eat real food, cooked for me by my awesome boyfriend who I get to see EVERY DAY instead of once every 1-2 weeks + 4hr commute (2 there 2 back). Going back to school is going to be quite an adjustment.

i thought i would let you all know that while i was doing candice's uk vs. us people quiz with ben (the new ben) and tried to say that we had done it together, he said "I don't want to be a part of your forum! it's a cult!" he was MOSTLY joking, i think, but he wouldn't let me refer to him in the post.

oops. I've posted about him elsewhere. :P I did show him some of the animations though. He liked Brother Black Sheep, and sort of liked Samurai Lapin. Then I gave him a break. This was after I had shown him the Moon Song from rathergood which he hadn't seen!

oh, and I am not amused about driving to new jersey tomorrow. ugh. I'm going to give my dad a taste of his own medicine, and keep track of all my receipts and stuff so he knows EXACTLY how much it cost to get down there and such, since he insists I visit.

neg: I have mono. :( No Rites of Spring for me. and no refund on the $430 I paid for it, either.

pos: living with the boyfriend this summer, and he is going to take care of me later this week too.

so I don't actually have any friends at school other than my roommate and everyone who talks to me does so because they want to talk to my roommate or something. I should try to go into IRC more at the right time if it is ever inhabited these days. but I just feel terribly lonely right now. it's beautiful outside and I have no one to share it with.

I have a lovely boy even if if he lives two hours away and I'll only see him every other weekend. I have good friends at school, and this semester seems to be starting off well. Other than occasionally feeling a little lonely still (if I try to socialize and can't find anyone, i tend to get mopey) things are going well. I have been doing artworky stuff which makes me happy, and writing for my creative writing class that is the bomb. so yes, here is a positive update for you all!

I probably shouldn't be worrying about this because I'm not at school yet and things might not be so confusing as I'm making them out to be, but I feel like ranting so I'm going to. feel free to pay absolutely no attention.

pro: I met a wonderful guy this weekend. Friend of a friend. I've never met somebody and then ended up being, uh, romantically involved so fast. It was really wonderful and really sweet.

con: there's still mark at school, who after all I went through convincing him to try going out with me... and I honestly like the both of them so much. The other guy (his name is actually ben, which is sort of funny) sort of came out of nowhere for me, but we really like each other. I feel like it wouldn't be fair after all the yeses and noes and convincing that I went through with mark to not try to make things go further with him, and I want to make things go further with him, I really do... but at the same time... mark and I never said anything definite - I haven't actually talked to him over break, so I don't know how he feels about anything as of now. so I don't know. all I know is I really like them both, and it totally figures that this would happen to me. I think it's another test since the last time this sort of thing happened it drove me nuts. I'm trying not to worry about it so much, at least not 'till I get back to school, but i am a very good worrier...

I am watching the inauguration and having my heart be warmed by all the people who are waiting outside with dedication and determination.

This is such a happy thing. Even my little sister is staying in at lunch since her teacher offered their class a classroom to watch the inauguration in ("What would you tell your children? that you were eating lunch?")

I also had a ridiculous weekend that I will hopefully expand upon later.

Also, I know it might be slightly horrible to find this funny/amusing, but apparently Dick Cheney pulled a muscle moving his stuff out of the White House so he is in a wheelchair today. I'm not glad he's hurt or anything, but the fact that he's been somewhat humbled and is now sitting - the symbolism and the significance of it on a day like today is definitely not escaping me, and it's making me smile a little.

Happy Inauguration Day!

now that i've actually studied properly for something, IT SUCKS. and I hardly studied that much even. i should do some more but it probably won't happen. my brain hurts.

i'm so lazy nowadays that i can't even update my livejournal. sometimes after wearing pants a few times, i sniff them to see if i can wear them again or if they need to be washed. and let's not talk about dishes.

winter break is soon. i'm going to be bored but i'm going to get to visit my roommate, who is now like my sister/bff type person (she's the shit). i won't get to work because kb toys is liquidating. ;_; i need teh monies. but uh otherwise i guess it'll be fun? i'll try to make it fun. it's going to suck living in my house with all the boxes around because who knows when we are actually moving but we have to show the house so my room is all packed away and i don't get to see most of my books because they are GONE INTO BOXES ARGH.

oh! and it took me literally ALL SEMESTER but i finally went out on a date with the silly boy i had my eye on (of course i fell for one who is terrified of dating and is inexperienced relationship-wise and OMG LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS K but I eventually convinced him the world wouldn't end if we went out one night i guess). it went well ('cause i'm such a great date, you know - no, I kid, I kid) so I'm very smiley about it. so bad timing considering i won't get to see him again for five weeks but hey whatever it's something.

note to self: being drunk takes away a good chunk of the pain, but never all of it.

(no worries, though. I am pretty sure I'll be fine.)

well, the good news is I got my hair and eyebrows done! I really want to update this in the future and do a decent update about how I'm doing at school and stuff like that. alas, I may never get around to it.

my family is moving to atlantic city. so i get the car at college. this is good. i don't know when exactly we are moving. i might get to stay in the house (by myself) in dalton if my dad decides he won't try to sell it yet 'cause the market is terrible. I'm kind of hoping for that. I don't know where I want to be anymore. At first I think Dalton, and then I think somewhere in Massachusetts, but I sure as hell don't know anyone in atlantic city.

boy news: I managed to find one who is absolutely wonderful but appears to be terrified of dating. we almost went on a date but he had a conflict - that happens a lot. so things might turn out well, I don't know. he doesn't want to ruin our friendship, that type of thing. it's so complicated it's silly. but i think he might like me a little if he decided we should try going out a couple times and see if it works. argh, boys. (i really hope it works out though. he's so sweet).

it is a vegging day before the weekend because of crappy weather. so i'm gonna veg.

This is a tree trying to solve a rubix cube, done hastily to amuse Nov. A better attempt will follow later...

so I moved away from falling in love with people whoa re bad from me, and now i just think i'm falling in love with a wonderful person... who lives three hours away. two weeks before i go to college. FEELINGS ARE SO CONVENIENT. there's so much more to say, and i should say more in my livejournal since i don't use it a lot but i'm so tired now... so more soon.

good news: ben made that phone call. still being social. working more shifts, getting more money.

bad news: if I sleep in too late I will then be tired ALL FREAKING DAY. I also am going through my money like I have an endless supply, which I really don't =X I still owe my dad $1180. next week's paycheck will come in handy but it's not till next friday... stupid biweekly shit.

( as told through IRC )

...so I graduated high school.

hwhat? me, update?

I am almost gradu-ma-cated. june 15th. but I only have to take two finals during the final period - art and chorus.

so I can't go to hampshire. didn't get enough money. it's not that we can't afford it, it's that my father isn't willing to pay for it. he says stuff about not jeopardizing his retirement but I think he has enough in his retirement account. I was telling sara and she said that she would kill her parents (not really) if they had that much tucked away. so we clearly disagree about things. I've resigned myself to going to UMass for now, but I'd like to transfer out because I want to be somewhere smaller.

other than that summer is okay so far. I still have fun senior things to do, like prom and stuff. I have to clean my room and stuff. I saw ben today and that was nice; went out to dinner with his family. I just have to make sure I keep myself busy. my ear is almost better. it's still painful/crackly from time to time but it's just healing. when it stops being painful I can go swimming.

oh, and rites of spring was AWESOME.